Separation Anxiety: Why It’s Normal and What You Can Do
Meagan Ledendecker • October 5, 2020
Every fall, the doorways of classrooms become a place of transition. Children are often excited to skip into their school environment, eager to learn and play. Many children also experience some level of separation anxiety, particularly when they are very young. The good news? This is totally normal! Read on to learn more about why, and what you can do to help your child feel good about the time you spend apart.
What does it look like?
Separation anxiety is completely normal. Most young children experience it at some point, and although it can cause stress for both children and parents, it’s actually a healthy part of development, especially during the toddler years. Separation anxiety can manifest in many forms. Parents might see their child display some of all of the following behaviors:
- Crying
- Physically clinging to parent
- Loud protesting
- Persistent worry when separated from parent(s)
Separation anxiety typically doesn’t last very long for most children and resolves itself within a few weeks. Once young children begin to realize that their parents will actually return, their fears tend to alleviate. Even older children can experience short-lived bouts of separation anxiety. These times are often even harder for parents, but it’s all perfectly normal!
Why does it happen?
There are a variety of reasons children may experience separation anxiety, but as we mentioned above, it most often occurs during the early childhood years. Any time from about 7 months of age through 2-3 years of age, children may go through a phase during which separating from their parents can be quite upsetting.
For infants, it’s about differentiating between strangers and people they know. This is obviously an important and healthy part of their development, although it can be heart wrenching when dropping your little one off with care givers in the morning before you head to work.
As children get a little older, the reasons shift toward a fear that the parent may leave and not return. After a period of time, the child learns to trust that the separation is temporary, and the anxious behaviors subside.
There are plenty of other reasons why a child may experience separation anxiety. If they are tired, not feeling well, or are experiencing stress or a period of transition in their life, they may feel the need to be closely attached to their parent(s). These feelings are typically short-lived and resolve themselves once the child feels some level of reassurance or once the underlying cause is no longer an issue.
What can we do?
Each child is different, but the following are some strategies that tend to work well for most families:
- Set aside some extra time in the morning. The simple act of not rushing can create a sense of calm for both you and your child, and it also leaves a few extra minutes for some cuddles.
- Create a routine. When your child knows what to expect, they will feel more able to trust that everything is okay. This may mean singing a special song in the car on the way to school, walking to the drop off area together, and making sure to squeeze in one last hug. Find whatever routine works for you and for your child.
- Be consistent. Once you’ve established a routine, stick to it. This can be a challenge, but it is so important and will do so much to help a child who is feeling anxious. Of course, life has a way of interrupting our plans and routines (especially when you’re trying to get out the door with a young child!) but try to be as consistent as possible.
- Don’t linger, but don’t sneak out. Staying too long can intensify feelings of anxiety when you do leave, but leaving without your child’s knowledge isn’t the greatest idea, either. They may experience feelings of worry or sadness, but they will be more likely to trust if they know when a parent is leaving.
- Ask your child’s teacher or caregiver for advice. Chances are, they have had lots of experience with separation anxiety in children. Teachers are often masters of distraction and redirection, which can help you make a peaceful exit.
What if it’s more?
Once in a while, separation anxiety is more than a phase. Again, your child’s teacher is a good person to consult if you’re concerned. If your child is well past their toddler years, if their anxiety is affecting them in multiple parts of their lives, or if behaviors are stretching past weeks and into months, it can sometimes help to talk to your child’s pediatrician.
Separation anxiety disorder (SAD) is a more severe and persistent version of what most children experience. The good news is, even children who experience SAD have options to help them overcome their fears and work toward healthy, trusting, and confident periods of separations from their parents.
Want to learn more? Check out this fantastic article for helpful tips.
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March 1 marks Baby Sleep Day, so we thought we’d take a moment to reflect on the alignment between Montessori philosophy and modern sleep science. In Montessori, we focus on independence as a path toward self-sufficiency. This is a gradual, mindful process of becoming capable. For our youngest children, this journey begins with mastery of the most fundamental human needs: eating, toileting, and sleeping. These areas matter deeply because they are ultimately under a child’s control. No one can make a child eat, use the toilet, or sleep. Our role, then, is not to force outcomes but to remove obstacles. As adults, we can provide thoughtful structure and support children as they develop the skills that build confidence and trust in their own bodies. Language Shapes Our Intentions In Montessori, our language reflects our values. For example, we don’t talk about “toilet training.” Instead, we focus on “toilet learning” because children are learning how to care for their bodies within the cultural norms. We are not training behavior. We are supporting development. The same is true for sleep. Rather than “sleep training,” Montessori invites us to think in terms of supporting independent sleep skills. We help children learn how to settle their bodies, self-soothe, and eventually fall asleep independently, all skills they will rely on for the rest of their lives. Why Sleep Matters So Much Research continues to affirm that sleep is foundational. Healthy sleep supports brain development and learning, emotional regulation, physical growth and immune function, and memory and attention. During sleep, children’s bodies perform essential functions, including muscle growth, tissue repair, protein synthesis, and the release of growth hormones. Deep sleep stages are when the most restorative processes occur. How Sleep Works Two systems guide sleep: circadian rhythm and sleep pressure. Circadian rhythm is the body’s internal 24-hour clock, regulated by light and darkness. When it’s dark, the brain releases melatonin (the sleep hormone). When it’s light, melatonin decreases, and cortisol helps us wake. This is why darkness supports sleep, blue light from screens disrupts it, and consistent bedtimes matter. Newborns are not born with a mature circadian rhythm. It begins developing around six weeks and becomes more established around three months, which explains why early baby sleep can feel unpredictable. The other factor is sleep pressure. The longer we’re awake, the stronger the drive to sleep. This pressure builds during the day and resets after a long stretch of rest. When children miss their sleep window and become overtired, stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) kick in, creating that familiar “second wind.” Suddenly, a child who desperately needs sleep seems wired and alert. Understanding sleep pressure helps us time sleep before children tip into exhaustion. A Montessori Framework for Healthy Sleep To support both healthy attachment and independence, Montessori encourages clear, loving boundaries. Sleep is no different. We can focus on four key factors: a prepared sleep environment, predictable and respectful routines, healthy sleep associations, and limits with flexibility. A Prepared Sleep Environment Just as we prepare our Montessori classrooms, we want to be intentional about preparing our child’s sleep space at home. Key components include ensuring that the space is: Dark (blackout curtains help melatonin production) Quiet and calm Free of stimulating toys Slightly cool A good question to ask ourselves is: Would I easily fall asleep here? Predictable, Respectful Routines Children feel secure when they know what comes next. A simple home routine might include: The final feeding Putting on pajamas Toileting/diapering Tooth brushing A short story or song A hug and kiss goodnight Long baths or extended reading are best before the sleep window, not during it. Healthy Sleep Associations Children form associations with the conditions present when they fall asleep. If a child falls asleep being rocked, fed, or held, they will often need that same support during natural night wakings. Instead, we want to place a child in bed drowsy but awake, so they can practice falling asleep independently. Comfort objects, such as a small blanket or stuffed animal, can support this process. Limits with Flexibility Sleep needs change as children grow. Consistency matters, but we don’t want to be unnecessarily rigid. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that older children may test boundaries, delay routines, or negotiate endlessly. Calm, consistent follow-through reassures children that the structure is dependable. And just as importantly, adults need support, too! Holding limits is much harder when we are sleep-deprived, so self-care is essential. Why Independent Sleep Is an Act of Care Babies naturally cycle through light and deep sleep many times each night. When they wake briefly between cycles, a child who knows how to self-settle can drift back to sleep without distress. Independent sleep skills: Reduce frequent night wakings Support early morning sleep Improve mood and learning Protect parents’ well-being Plus, poor sleep in infancy is linked to challenges later in childhood, including difficulties with emotional regulation and health concerns. Supporting sleep early is preventative care. A Closing Thought for Baby Sleep Day Supporting sleep is not about forcing independence. It’s about preparing the conditions so independence can emerge naturally, with confidence and trust. If you’re navigating sleep challenges, please know this: you don’t have to do it alone. Sleep is learned, supported, and refined over time (just like every other human skill!). We want to honor sleep not as a struggle to overcome, but as a vital rhythm to protect, for both our children and ourselves. If you are interested in learning more, schedule a visit here in Lenox today!
One of the quieter, less visible practices in a Montessori elementary classroom is the Child-Guide conference. You may never see it listed on a schedule or mentioned in a weekly update, yet it plays a profound role in children’s experience at school. Relationship Comes First The primary purpose of these conferences is to establish, maintain, and strengthen the relationship between the adult and each child. This focus shifts the dynamic from a teacher looking for faults or scolding about unfinished work. Rather, it’s a collegial conversation that enables children to take an active and engaged role in their own education. These connective conversations are grounded in relationship-building because when children feel emotionally safe and genuinely respected, they are far more willing to reflect, stretch themselves, and take responsibility for their growth. Every Child, as Often as They Need Montessori Guides aim to meet regularly with every child, but what “regularly” looks like can vary based on individual needs. Some children benefit from a longer, more formal conference every few weeks. Others need brief, frequent check-ins, sometimes lasting only a minute or two. These short moments might look like a quick conversation at the beginning of the morning, a gentle pause beside a table, or a quiet walk across the room together. The length of the meeting is not what matters. What is important is the message it sends: “I see you. I know your work. I care about how this is going for you.” What Happens in a Child-Guide Conference? While conferences vary based on each individual and the moment, they often include: The child bringing their learning journal or work (finished and unfinished) The guide bringing observational records A shared look at what has been accomplished Gentle reflection on what still feels unfinished Planning for what might come next Scheduling new lessons or presentations Support with larger projects: breaking them into steps, mapping timelines, imagining the finished product This collaborative time also provides an opportunity to experiment with new strategies (“Would you like to try creating a prioritized list?”), celebrate successes (“You worked so hard on your presentation! How did it feel to share your work?”), and reflect upon challenges (“It seems like you’ve been feeling a bit stuck in your research project. Tell me more about what is going on.”). Learning to Define “Finished” One of the most freeing lessons children learn in Montessori is that not every piece of work must be finished to an adult’s standard. Sometimes children accomplish exactly what they set out to do, and continuing would add nothing meaningful. Other times, interest has naturally ended, and letting go is healthy. This is not about lowering expectations. It is about honoring children’s internal sense of completion and learning when to release what no longer serves a purpose. Trusting Children’s Self-Assessment A cornerstone of these conferences is trust. Guides listen carefully to how children assess their own work and articulate their goals. When an adult truly accepts children’s self-assessment, something powerful happens: children begin to see themselves as capable, thoughtful, and worthy of being taken seriously. Children often receive more from the tone and sentiment of these meetings than from the actual content discussed. The Whole Child Matters Because Montessori education is concerned with the whole child, conferences may naturally move beyond academics. A Guide might gently offer support with social dynamics or ask about recent struggles during outdoor time. These moments provide a safe space for children to reflect on their own social, emotional, and physical development, and to recognize that there is a network of support. When Relationships Need Repair Even in the most thoughtful classrooms, relationships can become strained. What matters is how adults respond. It is never too late for a Guide to sit with a child and say, honestly: “I’ve been thinking about how we’ve been interacting recently, and I’d love to brainstorm with you about what I could do differently.” When an adult takes responsibility, without demanding the child do the same, something shifts. Trust begins to rebuild. Real dialogue becomes possible. Children learn from this modeling. In time, after they feel safe, they often step forward to take responsibility themselves. What Children Are Really Learning Through these quiet, intentional meetings, children learn that: their thoughts and feelings matter, adults can be trusted, mistakes are part of growth, reflection leads to independence, and relationships can be repaired. And while these conferences may happen quietly in a corner of the classroom, their impact echoes far beyond it. This is true preparation for life. To learn more about the long-term benefits of Montessori, visit us here in Lenox, MA!
